Legal Issues
Should you tell? That’s really what the issue is and the answer is a absolutely 'yes'.
You should definitely tell, but who and how are issues to be considered very carefully.
You should definitely tell, but who and how are issues to be considered very carefully.
My own experience.....
When I was able to leave home at last I felt so free. I was away from him and safe.
When I realised that my absence made it likely that my younger sister was in danger of being the new victim I acted. It was tough but I went home, with the support of a worker from the rape crisis centre in the city I then lived in, and told Mum everything.
She refused to accept any of what I said, even though she had been the one to send me in to his bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings for ‘a cuddle’ while she had her coffee in safety in the dining room and I was left unsure of whether my sweet little sister was now going to face the abuse I had lived with for so many years.
At that time I was invited to seek to prosecute my dad, but I didn’t have the courage to face court knowing that they too might not believe me and I would go through all of that and gain nothing, so I let it go. I was banished from the family home for my ‘outburst’ and tried to maintain some sort of relationship with my mum and sister despite Mum’s denial. Those were some very difficult years.
I was a student of social work at that time and for the next four years studied diligently, looking towards my studies for answers and understandings for my own health.
In my final year, mandatory reporting of child abuse became law, and the dilemma of the previous confrontation was answered. I no longer had a choice to make, I had to report the family to child welfare authorities. After an investigation, it was determined that at that time there was no physical evidence of my sister being abused and I had to leave it there, though of course the family censured me even more this this latest ‘attack’ and then shut me out completely for making what they called evil and sick allegations.
I could live with that knowing that although there appeared to be no evidence of abuse at that time, the family would be flagged for possible abuse and should anything arise, even the smallest thing, this would be considered.
At least my sister had that.
Going to the police, prosecution, court – none of these were a consideration at that point. Not for me anyway.
Again, I worked as hard as I was able to, to maintain my connection to my mum and little sister, which was never easy. Mum died just a few years later and not long afterwards my sister, who was at that time only fourteen, left home. I knew that she was safe from abuse, even if everything else in her life had fallen apart.
And then, just a few years into my intentional recovery process, my dad died. I was in my mid-forties.
When I had first spoken to my mother, with the support of the Rape Crisis centre, and then later, when I reported the family for possible abuse when I finished Uni, I was asked if I wanted to involve the police. It was my choice at that point as the abuse was in the past and I was over eighteen.
‘It will bring you closure,’ I was told, but I wondered if it would. I wondered if there would ever been a neat and tidy end to the angst abuse had brought into my life, and if sitting in a court room going back over details from so long ago could possibly be the path to that.
I chose a different path many times and as I look back on my own experience I have never regretted those choices.
Many survivors find that prosecution leads to a final closing of the pandora’s box that abuse brought into their lives, but I have heard from many who felt cheated by the process and by the promises.
I have never been convinced by the legal system’s ability to always and only bring justice. It does not always result in victims being ‘heard’ or in crimes being punished and definitely does not provide the kind of closure that is so frequently spoken of.
In my own experience, it was in following the path of recovery and personal development and the rebuilding of a life, that brought the epic change that led to me to being able to lead an ordinary life.
Will prosecution bring the best results?
Will I feel heard?
Many people find that this is a profound way of finally being heard, but do be aware - it is not always the case. Just because the police listen does not mean that the most important people to you (family and close friends) will understand what you have gone through.
Will I find support?
Many people find a lot of support is made available to them during the proceedings. Be willing to ask for help if it is not immediately offered, and be prepared for the possibility that not enough will be available. Be willing to look for it outside the system if necessary.
Will it be emotionally traumatic?
Of course the emotional trauma of enduring a court process may be daunting. Be very aware of this and weigh up the costs and benefits of continuing. Dealing with past issues may bring up more than you are prepared to handle.Make sure you have enough support to deal with what might come up for you. Timing may also be significant in this – maybe this isn’t the best time to be doing this?
How might my family respond?
Taking a legal path may cause more family alienation than resolution – be prepared for this possibility and take it into account as part of your evaluation process.
Will it bring healing to my relationships?
It is rare that prosecuting a case will result in restoration of broken and damaged relationships. Consider this carefully when thinking about prosecution. However, it does happen and should not be discounted on this ground alone.
Will it help me move forwards?
Sometimes people find that they move forwards more easily by leaving the past in the past, by making a choice to let things go and focus on their own recovery and healing. If you feel this is a better path for you, then choose to do so without feeling there is any ‘should’ involved. This is your choice and you are free to make it. Others find that it is in drawing this line in the sand and finally having it all out, that they are able to begin to move forwards. It is a personal choice.
Will it help me find Closure?
It is important to know that the term ‘closure’ is a marketing tool, and has no real place in the world of emotional recovery. Finding a means to move forwards in our lives is a far healthier way to look at outcomes. Many people who prosecute cases find that the ‘closure’ they were hoping for remains elusive. Going to court marks a point in their recovery rather than being the end of it. Bear this in mind when you are thinking about this choice.
Many people find that this is a profound way of finally being heard, but do be aware - it is not always the case. Just because the police listen does not mean that the most important people to you (family and close friends) will understand what you have gone through.
Will I find support?
Many people find a lot of support is made available to them during the proceedings. Be willing to ask for help if it is not immediately offered, and be prepared for the possibility that not enough will be available. Be willing to look for it outside the system if necessary.
Will it be emotionally traumatic?
Of course the emotional trauma of enduring a court process may be daunting. Be very aware of this and weigh up the costs and benefits of continuing. Dealing with past issues may bring up more than you are prepared to handle.Make sure you have enough support to deal with what might come up for you. Timing may also be significant in this – maybe this isn’t the best time to be doing this?
How might my family respond?
Taking a legal path may cause more family alienation than resolution – be prepared for this possibility and take it into account as part of your evaluation process.
Will it bring healing to my relationships?
It is rare that prosecuting a case will result in restoration of broken and damaged relationships. Consider this carefully when thinking about prosecution. However, it does happen and should not be discounted on this ground alone.
Will it help me move forwards?
Sometimes people find that they move forwards more easily by leaving the past in the past, by making a choice to let things go and focus on their own recovery and healing. If you feel this is a better path for you, then choose to do so without feeling there is any ‘should’ involved. This is your choice and you are free to make it. Others find that it is in drawing this line in the sand and finally having it all out, that they are able to begin to move forwards. It is a personal choice.
Will it help me find Closure?
It is important to know that the term ‘closure’ is a marketing tool, and has no real place in the world of emotional recovery. Finding a means to move forwards in our lives is a far healthier way to look at outcomes. Many people who prosecute cases find that the ‘closure’ they were hoping for remains elusive. Going to court marks a point in their recovery rather than being the end of it. Bear this in mind when you are thinking about this choice.
♥ ~ Sue
© 2017 Susan Parry-Jones
© 2017 Susan Parry-Jones